Hard to believe it’s been nearly a year since my last open letter. A lot’s happened since then, including exactly what I said would happen to the Mets after I went to the DL. Just like in 2007, they got chumped by the Phillies. Again. Then they signed K-Rod and even traded for that J.J. Putz to try and replace what I bring to the table. And everyone knows what happened next. I guess it’s good that the Mets decided to just give up before the summer finished. Gives their fans something better to do with their time. I’m not saying that New York (and their paychecks) wasn’t good to me, but going to an actual contender with a legitimate shot at a World Series? The Shake Shack ain’t that great, know what I mean?
So let me set some things straight while I’m here. First of all, thanks to Jonathan Papelbon for getting his head on straight on what me coming to the Red Sox means. And “thanks” for being willing to help with my “transition” to the American League, but I’ve been pitching longer than you’ve been stupid, Paps. Only help I’ll need is in finding the clubhouse and the post-game spread. Unless something’s changed in the past 10 months, the mounds are the same, and the distance to the plate is the same. The strike zone might be changed, but that’s because umpires don’t know the black of the plate from my black ass. This AL / NL thing is just nonsense — ain’t no one that can hit a high 90s fastball if you know where to put it, I don’t care which league you’re in or what you got yourself pumped up on. If anyone’s gotta adjust, it’s the Junior Circuit to good old Billy Wags.
As for all you comedians trying to compare me to Eric Gagne, there’s ain’t nothing to compare. I am 100% pure red-blooded American through and through, like Johnny Cash or Lee Greenwood. And everyone knows that limey turd Gagne was 100% juiced-up overrated French Canadian candyass. Ain’t no surprise that his saves went down and his ERA went up as soon as MLB started to police that steroid nonsense. Knowing that slapshot-loving clown has a ring despite pitching like a fat Oliver Perez, while all sorts of players actually worth one goddamn (including myself) ain’t got a damn thing just … well, it just pisses me off, is what. If you so-called fans got out of your mom’s basement and knew anything about anything, you’d know that I’m gonna give all that I got and then some when Tito gives me the ball.
Some of you might be worried because of my rep as an outspoken clubhouse type, and how that’s gonna unsettle the Boston clubhouse. Well, excuse me for having a goddamn opinion. And correct me if I’m wrong, but I vaguely remember a similar sort of outspoke type coming to Boston about five years ago. And all he did while speaking his mind and calling a spade a spade was win you folks two world championships. Now tell me who in Red Sox Nation has a problem with Curt Schilling? Yeah, I might put my foot in my mouth once in a while, but that’s only because I like kicking ass! And this ain’t some namby-pamby game of Go Fish we’re talking about here — this is baseball, where you gotta kick some ass to get what you want.
Do I want to be the closer instead of a set-up guy? Hell yeah — that’s what I’ve done all my life, and getting demoted sucks. Lemme ask all you 40-hour work week folk the same question. Let’s say you’re forced to leave your current job, go somewhere else, and take a paycut. You wouldn’t be happy with that, right? Well, it’s like that with me. Except without the paycut. And my job’s about the same. But that ain’t the point! The point is that it’s hard to change, and you gotta want to do it. I’m willing to do what it takes to get Boston another World Series, and as long as no one screws it up for me, then everyone’s gonna get along just fine.
Boston Red Sox non-closer Billy Wagner hates the Facebook Farmville app. Hey, it’s on his Wiki page, so it has to be true, right?