Helo, gentleman and not so gentleman! I have been gone for a long time from this site due to two factors. Namely, one, money (but do not worry as I have now been paid in full finally). Namely, two, because I have been on special project for my country. President Hugo said I should not talk about it overmuch. Let it just be hinted that there was a reason I was in Nigeria for a little while helping to negotiate a oil platform hostage crises. I have some pretty good negotiation skills due to seasons 1 to 3 of Alias on DVD. Sydney Bristow, thru me, you have save many employees of Citgo, and my country has a new “agreement” with many activist in the Niger Delta, which will help us bring our Petroleum Revolution to the masses of the Tercer Mundo. Hallelujah hollaback!
Also, I have recorded a new Cd, all new hard rock salsa songs about Baseball! Produced by my compadres Los Amigos Invisibles, and produced by the lovely man Gustavo Santaolalla who just win the Oscar! It is called Béisbol, tu es mi gigolo, mi pimp, y mi más viejo amigo! And it will be on Norte records. You will hear more about it soon from me of course!
But today we will not discuss either of these things. Today I respond to a challenge. Yard Work had its anual get-together the other day in Grapefruit Arizona. We were at a surprisingly good restaurant called “Rojo Lobster” and the pendejo known as Spartacus who write for this site engage me in a confersation. He is always trying to do this because he would like pants access from someone of a female persuation. Namely, me.
Spartacus started by making fun that we lost AGAIN to Dominican in the Caribbean League championships last month. I was okay with that, we did not play to good. Then he has the nerve to said that I focus too much on venelozanos in my pieces. I respond, “But they are best players in beÃsbol or have you not notices?” He respond, “Prove it”. So I did, right there, breaking it down like K-Solo at the table while everyone laffed a lot. Larry Bowa particularly was very full of guffaw, as well as cerveza. At end Spartacus just got all red in his face and walk away. We have not seen him since. Perhaps he is on walkabout?
Anyway, here is what I said to him, preserved now 4evah on the inter net. It is my all-venelozano equipo, “¡Los guerreros del corazón y de los pantalones apretados!”
Catcher: VÃctor Martinez, Indios de Cleveland. Perenial all-star, great hitter. I dated his uncle Stevie, his dad Big Vic, and briefly his aunt Jeny. Not his mom though!
1ra Base: This was only position that gave me pause, but let’s just put Carlos Guillen here because that is where he should end up anyways. Carlos is so cute with his little sticking-out ears! He still owes me fifty dolars.
2do Base: I want to say Jose Castillo because he flashes so much leather and because he was so good in May, but he has struggles down the strech, if you know what I mean. (Not necesarily beisbol related ones, namely.) So I put down a surprising one: Josh Barfield! Some of you don’t know he is one of us. I could also put Luis González but what is the point.
Short Stop: I do not know where to begin, we own so much of this position thruout the years. Serious, look it up. Only four more people are better and more respected in venezuelan society than a all-star shortstop: that year’s Miss Venezuela, the top pop group of a year, President Hugo, and someone who happens to be a top sportswriter as well as a pop star and a international agent of suavity. Namely, me! As for shortstop, you may take your pick of many all-stars including Omar Vizquel, the Izturis boys, Jose Lopez, Alex Gonzalez, Carlos Guillen again with his oÃdos prominentes, or Edgardo Alfonzo, who is with the Long Island Ducks now but is prime for a comeback.
3er Base: Miguel Cabrera. Nobody does it better. Makes me feel sad for the rest. Only a very young boy.
OF: Even though there are very few good outfielders anymore, we got the game on lock here. You could easily just say Bobby Abreu, Magglio Ordoñez, and Melvin Mora, but this is not purely acurate becaus it is ignoring this year’s new breakout star. His name is Gregor Blanco, and he plays for the Atlanta Bravos. Um, hello, he is brilliante. If Boby Cox plays someone named Ryan Langerhans over him he is crazee. I think I have had a wart on my langerhans once jajaja.
Pitcher: It is almost sad here to school you all if you don’t know. Start with the best pitcher in the history of the world and you all know it: Johan Santana. Mmmm, choclatey goodness. Then oh let us just say a few other names here: Carlos Zambrano, Freddy GarcÃa, Felix Hernández, Carlos Silva (I still believe in you Carlito!) and AnÃbal Sánchez (a no-hitter in his first year last year, so proud of little Ani) for a starter lineup? With these big studly horses we will not even need a bullpen…but do not relax because all of a sudden here comes Francisco Rodriguez to blow you away with Ks and goggles.
There you have my team of home peoples for 2007. Probably 2008 too but one never knows. I must away, because I am on deadline to write about my beloved Leones de Caracas. I will undoubtedly catch you on the flip flop.
Ana Maria Callejeo Guillen is the top baseball writer for El Nacionál. She was also the winner of the Globovision dance competition show, “¿Usted piensa tan que usted puede bailar, usted? ¡Mane que es apenas estúpido, porque aquà está alguna gente que puede!”