Hello. I am proud to say that I am the mayor of America’s most beautiful metropolitan area: Seattle, Washington. We love our Mariners up here in the Emerald City, almost as much as we love our city’s rich tradition of music. (Yes, I am “down” with Seattle’s music scene; I grew up listening to the great Ray Charles, Quincy Jones, Jimmy Hendricks, and the Heart!) So I was glad when my old college buddy Ward York called me up and asked me to preview the team. Although I never played the American Pastime as a child, I go to at least three games every year, and I love throwing out the first shot! And although I am no “statistics-head,” I have been briefed extensively on their prospects for 2007. So I think it’s more than just “homerunism” that makes me predict great success this year.
First off, let’s talk about the team’s big stars. Everyone in baseball knows about our fine Japanese player, Ichiri Suzuko. He runs faster than a Pearl Jamm solo! Adrian Beltran and Rickie Sexson are fine young men, real credits to our fair community. I’m seeing great things in store for some of our young players like José Suarez, Yonalesko Betancrout, and Kobe Yoyoma. And don’t get me started on our pitching, with superstars like Helix Fernandez, P.P. Potz, and Jarren Washboard. They throw the ball harder than those tattooed Asian hipsters throw large fish around at Pike Place Market. Fine group of kids, these Ems. And they are very capably led by their head coach, the legendary Matt Harpring.
But as impressed as I am by these fine athletes, I am even more knocked out by the great people of Jet City. I know Curt Cobain loved them, and so do I. While the Mariners may not have won a lot of titles in the last few years, we have shown that we will never stop loving the old black and blue with silver trim. Seattle fans, as we have shown in the last two NFL seasons, are just as boisterous as the pioneers who settled Puget Sound back in the late 1700s. We love our UW Huskies, and we still have tons of fans at the Supersonics games, even though it is clear that the team will be moving to some godawful hellhole soon. (And good riddance too, if you ask me…although there’s always two sides to every story.)
The seats at Safeco Field are always going to be chock-full of passionate Washingtonians, singing out in the middle of the fifth inning to the timeless classic “Take Me Out to the Old Ball Game.” (That is, unless we are singing to hit tunes by Melvin, the Mother Love Bones, Bikini Killer, or Mud Honeys!) Even if we happen to be not-very-good that particular game or games, at least there are wonderful things to eat. The great Mariner Dog with its giant bun — suggested by stadium consultant, music legend, and local guy DJ Sir Mixalotl–, Ivar’s Acres of Clams, the plentiful sushi stands, and the surprisingly credible vegetarian burritos. And every concession stand offers fans the choice of over 230 local beers, ales, lagers, and pilsners, as well as piping hot java from both Starbucks and Seattle’s Best Coffee. It’s like going to a food festival, and suddenly a ballgame breaks out!
Now we’re coming to the part I’m most proud of. I know a lot of people are talking about the recent efforts made by Major Leagues Baseball to find a more ecological way to play 2,400 baseball games every summer. I just wish we could get the president of the United States to agree. (This would be a good time to mention the classic Seattle group the President of the United States of Americas. Also: Alices in Chain, Tad, Screaming Tree, and Fresh Young Fellows.) But up here, in the Gateway to Alaska, that’s just what we call “business as usual”…or unusual, if you will!
We take our environmental responsibilities very seriously up here, and I’m very humbled and fortunate to have been the major force for change in it all. Our extensive public transportation system has made it easy for people to ride together to the game, instead of clogging up the atmosphere with harmful emissions. We were the first ballpark with commissioned sanitation officers to strenuously reinforce our city’s recycling code. Despite what you may have read, Safeco was also the first major league stadium of any kind to be heated by solar power. It’s just that with our rainy climate, we only see the sun about seven days every year…but we were first! In addition, it was the first park to feature on-site water refinement plants — these giant underground plants turn the urine expelled by its attendees into tasty drinking water!
(Here are some more gratuitous Seattle music references provided to me by my interns: Heat Happening. Soundgardeners. Seven Year Witch. The Posers. Paul Revere and the Riders. Queen’s Reich. Love that Seattle music!)
This year, we are debuting our most exciting “green” feature yet. As you no doubt know, methane is a “greenhouse gas.” As you also no doubt know, many of the foods served at Safeco during an average game produce a lot of methane in the form of human emissions. Imagine what how many hundreds of pounds of methane are produced during just one game! Now imagine all this gas being collected. We have replaced all 56,000 seats in Safeco with new “green” seats that have filters in them to capture the methane emissions. We have also coated the underside of the roof with special aromavoltaic cells that capture any and all free-floating methane gas. These filters grab the methane and whirl it about in massive centrifuges until the methane has been largely converted into healthy and healthful air. These machines also convert the methane into CO2 and H2O, which are converted into electricity that helps to supplement our (admittedly) low solar power output. That is what we will be doing this year in Safeco Field. Pretty thrilling, huh? Think of it this way: even if the Mariners don’t end up doing well this year…at least no one can say we stink! Ha ha ha! (That joke probably works better in person.)
Well, I have to get back to my day job — there are a lot of papers on my desk to be signed. As soon as I do that, we’ll recycle the hell out of them…just like we’re trying to do with José Gallego in right field!
Greg Nickles is the mayor of Seattle, Washington.