Dear Alex:

Hi!! This is Britney Spears writing to you. I heard about what is happening to you with the steroids and the cheating and the lies, and I think it is terrible that you should have to go through this in the public spotlight. And then I heard from one of my dancers’ trainers’ macrobiotic chefs that some guy on E$PN named Steve Phillips compared you to me, saying that we are watching you fall apart right in front of our eyes on TV.  So I just had to write to say WTF?!?

First of all, who is this Steve Phillips that he can say something like that about you? I don’t mean to say that folks can’t say what they want — after all, this is a free country (even if our president is an awful socialist spendocrat), and we have to obey by its rules even if the rules allow awful people like Perez Hilton or Pat O’Brien to walk around on the Internet posting awful pictures of people with computer scribbles all over them. But you and I Alex, I think we are more alike than even Steve Phillips imagines, though not because of us "falling apart." I mean I don’t know about you except from what I see on TV but HELLO I am doing just OK right now thank you very much! My newest album has sold 3 million copies worldwide, and I’m about to go on a worldwide tour.  Don’t go writing a check I can buy ten times over with plenty left to spare, Mr. Baseball!

But yeah we have been through a lot of things together, though not really together obviously. :) (Wow imagine the stories they’d write if THAT happened!!)  We have both been thrust into the national spotlight at a very young age, we were both idolized for things we could do (or wear) that no one else could, we are both very very attractive (though you should stop frosting your tips really you’d be so much dreamier), we both have reporters all up in our business  like they’re making soup in our soul kitchen, we have both made some unwise choices with our love lives, and we were both affected in a bad way by our relationship with Madonna. And you managed to do the last two things at the same time! (LOL j/k — at least you didn’t father children with a two-timing gold-digging scumbag I mean seriously how much Patrone did I drink???)

What I am trying to say is that you need to just put all this behind you and get on with your life and your career. And by that I mean to say that you can’t let your career become your life. I mean this happened to you what five or six years ago? That is a long time ago! I could barely vote way back then. But now you and I are older and wiser because of our mistakes. And that means we should not let our mistakes tell us the way we live our lives. This is who we are now, not what we used to be. And for people in the press to bring this up like it matters in today’s world is just rotten and definitely not news. Our fans need to focus on what is important in their lives, and what you put into your body back then is not that.  And I put Colin Farrell in my body once, so I know what’s what!  ;)

You have apologized for your mistakes and that is all you can do about it at this time. Like my grandpa used to say, it’s water under the bridge, and you can’t worry about if folks drown their bags of cats in it. So you should do what you do best, Alex. Play baseball. Hit lots of homeruns and RBIs. Win lots of Gold Gloves and MVPs. And just forget about all this know-nothing nonsense. Don’t worry if people aren’t going to count your homeruns or add asterisks to your resume or put you in jail or make up more stupid nicknames for you. I wish I could tell you how to not let it all get you down, but honestly I don’t know. I mean I used to drink and take lots of drugs to try to escape and it didn’t get me anywhere except on Page Six and TMZ.  So please don’t do that!  Just find what makes Alex Rodriguez happiest and keep doing that, and If You See Kay anyone that doesn’t like it! ;)

Anyway I hope this finds you well and happy and in His good graces!  My cell phone is always on so if you want to talk about your problems or how many girls I know that got herpes from Derek Jeter (hahaha he’s so creepy) let me know!  Take care!

xoxoxoxo,
Britney

Britney Spears is sui generis.  I mean, really, come on.