Brewers, I am pleased with you!

You have, on this day of May 2, justified all that I looked for from your fearlessness. You have adorned your cheesehead fans with an everlasting glory. An army of 24 men, under the command of Tony LaRussa, has been, within less than three days, swept. Those which escaped your doubles were drowned by your homers.

Last year’s pennant and World Series trophy, the standard of the St. Louis Cardinals, bragging rights in the NL Central, twenty-three runs to their meager three, and more than 100,000 $7.25 beers consumed, are the results of this day for all time renowned. This team so vaunted, and in VORP numbers superior, could not resist you, and henceforth you have no rivals from which to fear. Thus, after one month, the best record is ours, and last year’s winners have been vanquished and disbanded. The division championship cannot be far away; but, as I promised my people before putting on this sweater, I shall make only predictions that do not jinx us or our advertisers.

Brew Crew, when the ownership placed the imperial microphone upon my lapel, I entrusted myself to you to keep it forever in those rays of glory which alone make it worthy in my eyes. But at that same moment, our enemies thought to destroy and dishonour our team! And this cap of deep blue, created with the sweat of so many graphic designers — they wanted to compel me to doff it to our most cruel enemies!

Rash and senseless endeavor, which, upon the very anniversary of the firing of Davey Lopes, you have dashed and confounded. You have taught them that it is easier to defy and to threaten us, than to defeat us!

Brewers, when all that is necessary to assure the happiness and prosperity of the franchise has been accomplished, I shall bring you back to the Dairy State. There, you will be object of my most tender care, and our hottest Danish groupies. My people shall greet your return with joy, and it will be enough for you to say “I was there when the Brewers were 18-9,” that the reply shall be, “Oh, yah, dat’s just great, rilly great. Lemme buy ya a beer, hey?”

Actor and former catcher Bob Uecker covers the Milwaukee Brewers for the Brewers Radio Network. He went into exile on the island of Elba in 1815.