Dearest Commisioner of Baseball Selig:

Because you have shown yourself to be a man of great heart and business savvy, and have decided to let Jason Giambi go free because he will go to Compton and throw his money away on charity and is not an asshole like Barry Bonds, or a racist asshole like Gary Sheffield, or a gambling ugly asshole like Pete Rose, I would like you to consider taking it easy on me, Neifi Perez.

I am a good person, and I try to be. For instance, whenever someone yelled at me because I did not get a hit, or because I am supposed to not be playing because they think I’m no good, I do not run into the stands and beat the shit out of them and their family. Some players would not do that, but I did, because I, Neifi Perez, am a kind gentle soul that has better things to do. I would much rather spend my game time thinking about attractive women and having sex with them and their attractive friends than I would of some fat American that has nothing better to do than yell at someone trying their best to think about sex.

Also, I am very charitable with my money and time. When I went to see the new movie about Harry Potter (which I liked very much), I put money in the cup to help with something. I also gave when I saw that Marc Anthony movie (which I liked J.Lo and her ass in very much), and that Grindhouse movie (which I heard was bad but I liked anyway). I, Neifi Perez, don’t remember if it was for cancer research, or homeless shelters, or for the Army, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I gave my money away, and I don’t have a lot of money to give.

In case you don’t know, you suspended me twice for taking something my doctor said was OK, and now I am out of a million dollars. Maybe for someone like superstar Jason Giambi, that is money used to keep his culo nice and white. But I am not Jason Giambi. I am Neifi Perez. And while I, Neifi Perez, should give my doctor a gift like a Columbian necktie because he ruined my fucking career, I saw how Americans have treated fellow countrymen like Frank Francisco when they fight back against injustice, and I am not like that.

As you can see, I am very charitable and sorry that I broke whatever laws I broke, though I don’t think any laws were broken, because if I was cheating I would be doing much better I think, and I would like you to show me the same respect that you are showing a dirty cheater that likes to spill his guts to save his own skank puto ass like Jason Giambi. I heard that I, Neifi Perez, am a legitimate everyday player and a outstanding utility player, and I cannot do that if I am not able to play utility or everyday. Please think about it long and hard, and then let me play so you are not shown as a racist asshole-hating gringo. And fuck you if you don’t.

Your sincerely,
Neifi Perez

On July 25, 1998, Neifi Perez hit for the cycle off of St. Louis Cardinal pitcher Matt Morris. No, really, he did.