Hello, readers. This is Lastings Milledge. Lastings has gotten lots of press since he’s come up to the bigs. Lastings thought he’d get lots of press, as he’s had a great minor league career so far, and is bound to do great things in the majors. But the press Lastings has got isn’t the type of press Lastings thought he’d get. Seems like the press is waiting for Lastings to come correct for some misdeeds he’s perpetrated of late. Therefore, Lastings would like to come clean and apologize to everyone and anyone that feels they need an apology.

First and foremost, Lastings would like to apologize for high-fiving fans in the 11th inning of a game that was still up for grabs. Lastings didn’t realize that getting fans involved in the game was a bad thing, and would like to apologize to all the old veterans to whom such a friendly reach-out move would never even occur. Lastings would also like to apologize to readers of New York papers for all the commotion this fan-friendly move has caused in the papers. Lastings knows readers would prefer their sports writers to cover real sports stuff instead of big noisy nonsense like me making an innocent well-intentioned rookie mistake. Lastings knows that the road to Hell is paved with those sorts of intentions, and he would like to keep Satan’s DOT out of work for a long time.

Lastings also knows it’s tough for sportswriters to have to stop covering their regular beat to talk about things like innocent rookie mistakes. Lastings knows that if he was a sports writer, he’d want to talk about new things at every opportunity instead of beating things like Barry Bonds and steroids and rookie mistakes and other old stories back into the ground. However, Lastings also knows that writers have an obligation to do their best to cover a story to its fullest, and can understand why certain folks are giving Lastings’ story the headlice exam treatment. And Lastings is real sorry about that, for everyone involved.

While we’re here, Lastings would also like to apologize for the following things that sports writers have to talk about when talking about Lastings Milledge. Lastings apologizes for:

• having sex with a 13 year old girl that was two years younger than him; it’s a crime, and it’s a terrible terrible thing to do to a girl, and knows that no one that’s commented on this issue would ever do such a thing (especially now).

• buying a Hummer; Lastings realizes he is killing the environment, and will do everything in his power to rectify this as soon as Lastings can get to a dealer (preferably one endorsed by the New York Mets). However, Lastings will, under no circumstances, purchase a hybrid, as he feels those types of cars are for tree-hugging nerds that wouldn’t know what to do with a car if it was made of hemp.

• wearing a doo-rag; Lastings should know better than to make such a fashion faux-pas. Be happy to know, folks, that Lastings has forged a life-long friendship with Rickey Henderson (thanks to his involvement with the Mets with spring), and will be going shopping with Rickey when our schedules permit (either before or after Lastings gets a new car) (and when or if Rickey gets paid).

• wearing big gold hooptie-sized jewerly; it would be beneath Lastings to blame this on hip-hop, as Lastings is a great fan of hip-hop (especially the “crunk” and “gangsta” variety), but it’s true that Lastings was a big fan of Big Daddy Kane when he was a young man (before he started having sex with teenagers as a teenager). Lastings, however, feels that comparing his jewerly to Flavor Flav clocks is inappropriate, as Flavor Flav is wack as wack can get and stands second only to the-now-looney-tunes KRS-One in the Hip-Hop Glue Factory line.

• swaggering and “working on his own schedule”; Lastings has a slight hitch in his giddy-up (as Mr. Milledge would call it) that causes him to look like he’s cocky and full of himself, when it’s really a serious medical condition that causes him severe discomfort and makes him perpetually late. This is why Lastings pulled a Pedro in Spring Training. Lastings will get to a doctor to get this checked out when he can, and will work to make sure this is no longer a problem. The last thing Lastings wants to do is lose the respect of his peers and most importantly the New York press.

• spiking the son of Atlanta Braves GM John Schuerholz, whose name he can’t be bothered to remember because Lastings needs to get figure out what he’s having for lunch. If Lastings was a real Met (like those guys Rickey was teammates with that wore the ice cream helmet on their heads all the time, or former Met great John Franco), he would’ve gone for the throat, or even clotheslined or bodyslammed the third basemen into submission or traction. Instead, Lastings punked out like Shawn Estes against Roger Clemens, and (of course) apologizes to fans and teammates for such an unmanly action.

• throwing out Craig Counsell at home plate; Lastings doesn’t mean to show up any veterans when he takes the field, and hopes Mr. Counsell will recognize that Lastings realizes he made a big mistake in getting a respected ballplayer like Mr. Counsell tagged out at home by at least 10 feet. Next time, Lastings will make sure to hold onto the ball or make a throwing error so no feelings are hurt. These apologies will also be extended to Mr. Armando Benitez (a former Met that deserves more respect than I showed him) and any other pitchers I inadvertently get run-scoring extra-base hits off of. Lastings will consult with his teammates Endy Chavez and Kazuo Matsui, and try to single from here on out. You have his word, which is bond.

• being young and black. Lastings realizes that these are two things about himself that potentially lose the Mets lots of fans of the elderly, racist, or elderly racist persuasion. Lastings would change his skin color if he could, but feels using face paint or some other skin-coloring agents would either look like an insult to those folks he’s trying to appease, or cause severe acne and make him look like a chocolate Edward James Olmos. Lastings would like to tell the ageist folks, however, that he’ll be as old as Julio Franco (or at least Gerald “Ice” Williams) soon enough, and urges these fans to be patient.

There are probably more things Lastings could apologize for, and probably more things that he’ll do that will need apologies. But Lastings wants fans to know that he is here to help the Mets win games, and will do everything in his power to make sure that the focus on Lastings Milledge is in this context and this context only. Lastings will see you at the ballpark!