The following e-mail from former Bush administration press secretary Ari Fleischer to the Baltimore Orioles’ public-relations department was obtained by the Yard Work staff just minutes ago:

Date: Mon 1 Aug 2005 11:43:53 -0400
From: “Ari Fleischer” < ari_is_so_hot @gmale.com >
To: public_relations@orioles.com
Subject: This Raffy Thing

Hey folks,
So I heard about the whole situation with Raffy and thought I’d quick send you a few thoughts about how to deflect the controversy for a little while; as you know I’m am old pro at helping clients who have presented colorful versions of the truth to Congress. LOL! Anyway, here are some ideas I had for leaks that might help put the press of your tail for a little while:

1. Raffy went to Barry Bonds’ Fourth of July barbecue and gorged himself on delicious and yet suspiciously bitter-tasting chocolate mayonnaise cake.

2. He had a consensual adult relationship with Jose Canseco; who are we to judge?

3. Rafael has been enjoying many poppy seeds bagels lately, under the mistaken impression that poppy seeds were a natural performance enhancer called “Papi” seeds. However, he has been and will continue to be a strong advocate for Baltimore’s large Jewish community, and simply won’t be a party to any anti-Semitism being propagated by Major League Baseball, the Commissioner’s Office, or society in general.

4. Was unsuspectingly caught up in a round of steroid “hot shots” distributed by Avon Barksdale’s gang in their bid to infiltrate Major League Baseball.

5. Drank out of McGwire’s water glass at the Congressional hearings.

Hope this helps you guys out a little bit. The next few weeks are going to be rough, but you can ride it out, just like when we were going through all the business with the 16 words back in ’03. Just watch out for that a-hole Joe Wilson. I heard his wife is working for the Brewers now.

Bests,
Ari.

P.S. Remember if McCain starts getting on your ass we have those pictures of him with Jerry Colangelo.