Better late than never, here’s the first of what hopes to be a thirty-part series called The 2009 Inaugural Jockish MLB Preview / Post-Preview of Baseball Things & Stuff (AKA our ill-timed 2009 baseball preview). We begin in a place where the season’s ended far too early these past years, and with a man whose reach and appetite knows no bounds. Kansas City, here we come!

Greeting, my friends. This is Rush Limbaugh, El Rushbo, darling of the liberal media, the man who is patiently waiting for President Barack Hussein Obama or one of his lackeys to debate me, coming to you over the internet from the EIB offices with a very important message concerning the Kansas City Royals of Major League Baseball. Now let me get this out of the way right here. I want to make this plain as day so even the Drive-By Media gets it. Read my words: I am not here to talk about that scourge of athletics known as steroids, especially where it concerns the health or well-being of an effeminate hair-dying multi-millionaire that lies every time he takes a breath and treats the institution of marriage like it’s a fantasy sport. I have nothing to say on that topic except that I have nothing to say on that topic. So please don’t expect me to hold court on a topic that I have nothing to say about.

No, today I am here to talk about the Kansas City Royals, my hometown team, a once-proud organization that actually employed me, Rush Limbaugh, as their Director of Promotions, back some thirty years ago. That’s a long time ago, folks. This was back during the glory days of the franchise, when they had a successful team and were the envy of all of baseball. It might surprise some of you aware of my expertise in the field of football, but when it comes to athletics, it is America’s pastime that I cherish the most. It is one of the proudest things I can say about my life that I can consider Royal great and Baseball Hall of Famer George Brett a friend. That’s why it upsets me so that the Royals are where they are today.

Now it should come as no surprise that I’m no fan of all these fancy numbers that “statisticians” like this Nate Silver fellow like to toss around to confuse the layman fan. It might surprise some of these number-crunchers, but there were some simpler stats around back in the nascent days of the sport that work just fine in telling fans what they need to know nowadays. No need to plow money and resources into finding new ways to say the same old thing. Unless you’re a member of the Democrat Party, because that’s all you know is finding ways to waste money and time to no apparent purpose except to feel superior about yourselves. For my money, there’s no better measure of baseball success than wins, and that is one thing the Royals have not had many of these years. In the last 18 seasons, these Royals have had only three winning campaigns. And don’t think I chose that time period arbitrarily — it’s no coincidence that the Royals’ stretch of futility coincides with the arrival of Slick Willie into the Oval Office.

It doesn’t take a smart man to make the connection — a Spendocrat comes into power, taxes hard-working Americans into oblivion, and what happens? Teams like the Royals and their brethren are forced to cut corners and bear the brunt of these socialist policies, and the impact is devastating. They lose their best players because they can’t afford to keep them, their farm system dries up because they aren’t able to properly educate their players, and they have to overpay to attract any sort of marquee name to wear their uniform, fans stop showing up because they can’t afford to come to the games, and the vicious cycle perpetuates itself into infinity. George Bush tried to make things right during his honorable Presidency, but even he couldn’t right the ship that these liberals had taken off course, and now we’re doomed to another four years of elitist welfare policies that don’t help anyone except those making the laws. They certainly don’t help the common folk, nor do they help the Kansas City Royals.

But there might be a glimmer of hope in old Kaufmann Stadium this year. Last season saw them finally escape the AL Central cellar, and they’ll bring back most of the same players from that very team for this year. In addition, they’ve fortified their bullpen with the signing of hard-throwing Kyle Farnsworth and Doug Waechter, traded for a strapping young first baseman in Mike Jacobs to protect the likes of John Buck, Alex Gordon and Billy Butler, and inked an extension with ace pitcher Zack Grienke to team up with Gil Meche and give them the front of a rotation that is one of the best in the game. In a lot of ways, the grit and determination of these players is something that all Americans should be able to appreciate. And if they were located in that bastion of “art” and “culture” New York City, they would be appreciated to death by a former employer of mine. But, of course, when you’re lead into battle by a man of such virtues as Trey Hillman, it’s not hard to imagine the God-hating intellectuals finding something to complain about. But I digress.

Now it of course remains to be seen whether some of their other key players can overcome their own shortcomings and contribute to this honorable core. Will new outfielder Coco Crisp act like a blinged-out spoiled celebrity after leaving the Red Sox? Will fiery hothead Jose Guillen be able to keep his temper in check and justify his ridiculous contract? What will this Kila Ka’aihue newcomer do to earn some playing time over worthier native-born players? Is Joakim Soria a flash in the burrito pan, or a master of the Columbian necktie that will put down rallies like they’re illegal immigrants trying to escape the men and women securing our borders? Well, that’s why they play the games, as they say in baseball land.

But I have a feeling that this team might surprise some people. And I mean that in a good way. I don’t believe in making predictions that are tied to numbers, because numbers can lie in so many ways. And I certainly don’t believe in the gloom and doom that some supposedly hope-filled politicians shovel out to the American people. This country was founded on the hope that’s born of blood, sweat, and opportunity, not on naysayers and naybobs and ne’er-do-welllers. And if the Royals manage to sneak up on people and make some noise this season in the tightly contested AL Central, it will be because they have earned such a triumph. Just remember who said it first, and who said it the loudest. I’m Rush Limbaugh.

College dropout Rush Limbaugh began his career in radio as a teenager in 1967, under the name Rusty Sharpe.