What, you think the Yard Work 2008 Season Preview shriveled up and died like the site usually does between May and August? Shut up! For the San Diego Padres’ preview, we took a big flying leap and reached out to one of our favorite rock stars, golden god Scott Weiland! And he reached back! Like, totally for real! Get excited!
Look I dont know who you are that you got my e-mail address out of the blue and wrote to me thinking Id have enough time to write something for your pennyante little “famous baseball website”. In case you forgot who youre talking to this is MULTI PLATINUM SELLING ROCK AND ROLL ARTIST Scott Weiland. Ive got millions of fans two world famous bands a successful solo career and an upcoming solo album recordted by STEVE FUCKING ALBAINI and more important things to do with my time instead of writing about the stupid SanDiego Padres for your “famous baseball website”. I dont care if you got Iggy Pop and Lou Reed to drop trou for you, those guys are washed up hasbeens and woudl give it up gratis for soem dryhumpin Snikemax crap and a subscription to Tiger Beat. I’m at the peak of my creative powers and fcuk the Padres.
Yeah back in the day I used to love the Pads before the SUCKED. how many years did Tony Gwynn hve to suffer being the only player on that squad worth a damn? I mean who the hell were Timm Tuffel and Cragi Shipley and Archi Cionfuckinfranco? Theyre no Derek Jeter thats for damn sure. Hell they aint even mark Loretta.
Man for a while I though STP was gonna be the Phil Plantier of the music world… some one-hit wondersquat that hit 33 homers and did nothgn after that. Of course that corny grunge shti went away and were still here.. the heck wiht abseball tho. Besides baseballs for stupid jocks and shutins in their moms basement what the fuck. Im out making ROCK AND ROLL and getting all sorts of hot ladies gvign me handjobs and telephone numebrs. Following some crappy Padres team just because I grew up with that stupid Ozzie Smith trade and those awful awful yellow-brown unis and cheapass Ray Krock of Shit and cried after 1984 doesnt mean I give a crap now about that stupid nerdy kid crap.
OK so maybe Im a fairweathered fan… when the Pads FINALLY made it back to the World Series in 98 I tuned in and began hoping againt and of course the Pads can’t win against the NEW YORK YANKESS because thats not supposed to happen. 4 game sweep whatever. And then that team loess Kevin Brown AND Greg Vaughn AND Ken MVP Caminiti (RIP) and the team goes back to sucking agian because thats what they do and fkcu I dont even care. EVen when they wont he division they suck and get bounced like a superrball because Bruce Bochy No Balls couldnt win a roto league if he had 5 Barry Bonds and 5 Pedro Martinezs from 1999.
(And spekaing of Pedros sick 99 whtas up with ERA+? I dont get how you can really use ERA as a basis for that sort of universal metric when ERAs totally flawed? If I got some gratis smakc every time some BS reliever with a 1.00 ERA allowed 3 inherited runnrs to score and came out smelling like a rose because the next guy cleaned up his mess Id be dead twenty times over. And reall that fat neck Joba had an 1174 ERA+ last year? Right.. and Chinese Democray’s comin down the pipe any day now…)
ANyway this team is dogmeant nowadays… you got the Dodgers that cant help byt do well despite themsvels, the D-Backs are stacked like Pam aNdersno, thr Rockes just made it to thw WS last yer. Hell if it wasnt for the GIanst San Diego might have classy last place all to themselsvs WOOHOOOO. Mabye Kevin Towrs can get more washd up vetrerans to go with the less crapyp Giles brother and Ednomsds (ha RIP bro-dive) and one of the bdest pitchign staffs in baseball. Im ean Maddux and Wofl (and Justing German-oh-no) might be meat outsdie of Petco but damn Peavy’d shut down all cummers on the moon let alone in bornig old Earth’s gravity. Dudes a beast and a beastmaster right? My man T-Hoff tho.. damn. Love the guy but Im ridng the Heathh Bell FoR Closer bandwagon until the tires pop and Im stuck thumbing a ride somewhers in Baja.
Really tho just change it up guys plz. Biirng up Chase Headly stick him in left and stick Harston in cneter (or in a trash compactor whatves) and see what happesn — the defense might turn to starigh up slop but at least they might get a hit or 2. OR SIGN BARY BONDS HOW ABOTU THAT APPLE? I only wish they cd mayeb bring up Matt Antonelli or stick my boy Kahlil with the same magic juice that Ken C (RIP) used. And wtha is up with that fascists Honor THy Troops fatigue uni crap? this ain’t Nouremberg this is AMERICA and besides those unies make the Krok McD’s shitstains looke like Versace+. (hahaha.)
Sitll tho I lveo shit team and cant wish them ill will even if they annoy the shit out of me. But thats fandom right? Anyway I got go straighten msyelfff out — one of the DeLeos is gonna check up on me bretty soon. thanks for writng dood — reminds me I need to renew my sub to BPro! (I bet cHristinak Karhl is totally bangin.) Hpe the ladyfriends not riding on some other dudes clap-ridden knob, and dont snort where you shti. Peace in the NL EAST1!
Scotty Wee