The train keeps a-rollin’ here at the Yard Work 2008 Season Preview! Today we present to you the Cincinnati Reds, courtesy of America’s favorite bat-boy, Darren Baker.

Hello my name is Darren Baker and my dad is famous World Series and Chicago Cubs manager Dusty Baker but he is now in the Reds who are in Cincinnati. Despite my dad being somewhere in Cincinnati which I think is in Europe near the boot I am still here in California where I live. I am eight years old which is older than I have ever been but I think I might get older pretty soon because that is what happens to you before you die. But I am here to write this because my dad plays manager for the Reds which is a team of baseball players that also plays in Cincinnati.

Last year the Reds did not do well according to my dad. He says that is because they relied too much on guys that clogged up the bases with walks and singles that do not go anywhere. One guy that does this he said is called Adam Dunn and I know I spelled his name right because I asked my dad to check. And he said yeah that is the mother flipping guy that can only hit home runs and take walks but is too slow to be any good but I am stuck with him until the end of the year or I can get him traded for a good player like that Melvin Mora. My dad said that when I play little league which I will do pretty soon he said I will not be able to get a grape slushie cone after the game like the other kids if I do not man up and get aggressive at the plate. So now I am practicing what my dad calls my bat control. I can make contact with pitches that hit the ground and pitches that go behind me. My dad is very proud of me because when he pitches the ball to me and it hits me in the head I just shake it off and rub some dirt on my head. Pretty soon he said I can start wearing a helmet which will be lots of fun.

My dad actually told me there are bunch of kids on the Reds just like me he said. He says their names are Jay Bruce and Joey Votto who sounds like a really fat and funny Italian Mafia guy. My dad does not like young guys too much but he says I am his little man so I know he likes me. My dad says that kids do not know how to play baseball the right way because they are not old enough to know. I heard my dad on the phone talking to some guy he calls Krivsky and I think this is the boss of my dad. He was telling Krivsky that he would prefer to play Scott Hatterberg and Norris Hopper instead because those are the types of guys he likes to play a lot of. I hope he gives the kids a chance to play some though because it is hard for a kid to know how to play the right way if he does not play. But I did not tell my dad that because he is usually right.

My dad is also excited because the team has a lot of young pitchers with what my dad calls upside. There is one pitcher he calls Brandon and another he calls Harang which I think is a real word and not a name and another that is named Homer Bailey and that is funny because I thought pitchers were supposed to not allow players to hit homers but when they hit one it will be like his name! My dad is also happy because he has this pitcher he calls his proven closer that he calls Cordero which I guess is his first name. My dad says he is making ten large which is a lot of large! I remember my dad talking to himself sometimes back when he was playing manager with Chicago when he thought I was playing with my Nintendo and he would talk about his proven closer in Chicago called Ryan Dempster and how he was not any good because he did not man up to bring it and throw like he was born with some. I do not know what that means but I am sure I am born with some and will bring it when I am told to man up by my dad. I hope that Cordero will man up for my dad and his ten large too.

I kind of remember spending some time with some of the young pitchers my dad liked in Chicago. I do not remember their names but my dad told me that I sometimes hurt them by pulling their arms really hard sometimes or getting them angry and making them throw more pitches than they should have. I am sorry about this Chicago so please do not hurt the Bartman for what happened. But Cincinnati does not have to worry about me hurting any more pitchers because I am too old to play around like that. I am going to spend lots of time instead with Ken Griffey Junior because he is a lot of fun. I hope that when I visit my dad Ken Griffey Junior and I can run around and he can give me piggy back rides and let me ride his leg like what my dad says is something called a big white-bellied tick. I am looking forward to that!

So to help me with this report I am writing I asked my dad to give me some stats to help me with this. My dad asked me what the flip do I know about stats and I told him it was something I heard about while spending time with him while he played baseball manager. My dad got really angry and snapped his toothpick in two with his teeth! He told me that stats do not tell you anything about baseball because baseball is not a numbers game. He said a numbers game is something that you do when you are an overweight Italian Mafia guy and not a real ballplayer. Numbers he said are what ruined him in Chicago because people were always talking about numbers of pitches and numbers of walks and it got him very frustrated when all he wanted to do was play baseball and spend time with his favorite little man. And not Neifi he said laughing.

He told me that the only number that matters is the number under the W which is wins. And that numbers do not get you wins because wins come from in here he said pointing to his boobie. And here he said pointing to his zipper next to the hole he burned into his favorite pair of pants that time we were going to Sonic for some cheesecake poppers and the cigarette he was smoking flew back into the car after he threw it and it ended up burning his bait and tackle pretty good he said after swearing a lot and making me promise not to tell mommy. He said that if I ever talk about stats again he will leave me on the side of the road with nothing but a wish sandwich and a pair of underwear to my name. Then he hugged me and gave me a raspberry on my belly and I laughed because it was tickling me. I love my dad very much and I think the Reds in Cincinnati will win lots of games and a World Series or two because of my dad.

Thank you for reading this by Darren Baker.