Welcome to Part Four of our continuing 2008 Season Preview. Today’s topic is the Atlanta Braves, and today’s writer explains who the hell she is in the very first paragraph, so read on!

Hello there everyone. My name is Alexyss K. Tylor, and I am the author of the best-selling book, and host of the popular public access television show VAGINA POWER. As a native of Atlanta, and a long time fan of the Atlanta Braves, I am glad that Yard Work has given me this opportunity to educate the general public that might not be aware of the female experience through the prism of baseball.

You see, baseball itself is an extension of the male sexual experience, and through understanding what the man is attempting to express about himself through the hitting and the pitching of baseball, we can gain a better understanding of what it is like for a woman when she is continually tempted with the prospect of having a penis subjugate her power. Also, ladies, we all know the temptation to fall into lust — not love — with these fine athletes is near impossible to resist. If you’re going to fall into these traps, you need to know who’s got a real hard fastball and who’s got that played-out Viagra dick in their pants. Just ’cause they keep their pants nice and tight doesn’t mean their game’s tight, and you gotta realize that before you’re left behind with two kids and no money while playboy files off to San Diego and falls into that West Coast snatch trap.

First of all, the most important thing in baseball is hitting the ball. To do that, these physically fit specimen swing these large, hard, wooden bats at small little balls. Clearly you don’t need a PhD to figure out that the bat is simply a physical manifestation of a man’s PENIS POWER, and that the ball represents the ovum, which represents a woman’s fertility and innate VAGINA POWER. By hitting the ball, the man is subjugating the woman, denying her a place within the womb that is represented by the baseball glove, and trying his best to control her by the only way some men know how to deal with women — by saying “get your beautiful feminine aura off my dick”.

You can tell what sort of man a baseball player is by the way he treats the ball. Someone like Chipper Jones — a man notorious for fathering babies with Hooters waitresses that aren’t his wife — treats women the way he treats an old jock strap. He uses them up and gets rid of them as quick as you can. Ladies, you want to keep your distance from sluggers like him, Jeff Francouer, Mark Texeira, and Brian McCann. Some might things chick dig the long ball, but these chicks better watch out when it comes to these long ballers. Whatever they can do with a bat on the field, they can do with a bat off the field, and that’s only going to get you in trouble. One day, you’re a vibrant, sexual being, radiating all this gorgeous energy, and then one of these men is gonna break your ass down and make you into some sort of jelly-kneed sex addict, ready to drop your drawers and touch your toes for anything with a bump in the crotch. And a man with a real TV eye like Francouer is even worse, because on top of playing your clitoris like a bongo drum, he’s impatient at the plate, which can only mean he’s going to dump you out the back of his Maserati before you even asked him about satisfying your needs.

If you’re going to find yourself a man that will allow you to tap into your VAGINA POWER, then you want someone like new outfielder Mark Kotsay, or old first baseman Scott Thorman. These guys couldn’t get a hit if they were Tina Turner, and while you might think that means they’re impotent, the fact that they’re trying to get hits means they just need a woman that can show them how to get into what you might call a proper batting stance. Also good for a little stop, drop, and roll are the kids, like that Kelly Johnson. You know he’s got potential to just wreck a woman that don’t know what to look out for, but he’s also in the perfect state of young mind — the “premature penis position” — for some PYT to come and set him straight.

Now where hitting is clearly a penile extension, the act of pitching is purely ejaculatory. Even baseball announcers know this, when they talk about players throwing “seeds” — in the hands of the pitcher, the ball is clearly what scientists call the spermatozoa, trying to home in on the womb (again, the catcher glove). Some of you might wonder how the ball can represent two different things to the hitter and pitcher. To you folks, I ain’t got a damn thing to say, because if you’re asking this ignorant ass question, then you don’t know a damn thing about baseball.

Pitchers, unlike hitters, are more in tune with the flowering aspect of womenhood, so you know how it goes. Staff ace Tim Hudson is a man that will treat you right. If you want something that’s low on quantity but high on quality, Rafael Soriano might be the right man for the job. John Smoltz might, too, but you gotta watch out for those Bible thumpers, because they might try to play that rhythm-method game because rubbers offend Him, and you gotta cut that shit off like Lorena Bobbitt before you end up with a Smoltz in your belly. If he’s coming at you with the Our Fathers and all that, tell your man to wrap it up or take it outside. And, please, sisters, if you ever find yourself staring down into the eyes of that squat-faced Mike Hampton person, do NOT go there. Never mind that any full-figured woman would break that poor little midget after just five seconds — that boy hasn’t pitched any good game in five years, and for good reason! A word of advice: when you hear that so-and-so is suffering from a “groin pull,” that means he’s down with STD, and that’s all I got to say about that.

Now where it regards the actual baseball season, it doesn’t take a dummy to realize that the Braves are the team to beat. They were the team to beat when they were lead by that unfortunately beautiful brother Dave Justice (and while I’m here, what he did to Halle Berry was inexcusable, and I hope he lays some pipe in some NY barrio full of nasty ass crabs and worms that’ll make his trouser snake freeze up and turn sandy). They were the team to beat when had a rotation of Smoltz and Maddux and Glavine. They were the team to beat when they had skinny Andruw and Marcus and that Russ Ortiz with that fertility statue baby-mama gut. And I don’t care if the Mets got them Carlos Santana or Johann Sebastian Bach, and the Phillies get another MVP or ten, because to get to the top of the NL East, you have to go through Atlanta. And if you’ve ever tried to drive through Atlanta, you know that ain’t very easy.